Loose Feet

My job is tough. I'm starting to realize that as I inch closer to celebrating a year anniversary since I first came to this country to teach English. At my school, my classes are wholly made up of younger, immature students who are either lazy, uninterested or only just beginning their studies in the English language. I'm still somewhat unsure as to how I got assigned to these classes. I know that there are multiple factors at work here -- as I am the only permanent female middle school teacher, I know I am expected to be more of a nurturing caregiver, therefore somehow more willing to do a larger portion of babysitting. When I questioned my boss as to why I was being assigned these classes, she said it was because I had more energy than the other teachers and thus would be able to handle these more wild, energetic students. These are only some of the reasons. I'm struggling though, finding it difficult each day to command some sort of respect from these students. Granted, I can tell that they probably only understand about 30% of what I say and teach to them. Still, half of the time when I ask them questions in English, they respond in Korean, and in almost every class I have to write answers on the board to make sure that they take down correct answers -- more or less so I know that they will have something appropriate written down to show their enthusiastic parents. I'm exhausted these days, and find it a challenge to go to work. My Korean co-teacher, a lovely woman who works so hard with little to no appreciation, is quitting soon. I can feel it. And I'm beginning to feel the same way. A sort of hopeless cloud surrounds my desk and I try to push it off but at the end of the day, when I clock out at 11 pm and walk home, I just feel so useless. Anyone could do this job, and it wouldn't matter. The students would leave exactly as how they entered, no smarter, if not just a little bit stupider.

Today in one of my higher level classes, GR1, my students spent the entire class looking at me blankly. They held no qualms in telling me how boring the class was -- despite the fact that I always give them time to study for their tests at the end of the class, despite the fact that I play games with them and give them chocolate bars if they win, and I too often turn a blind eye to their speaking in Korean and their fucking around in class. Still, beyond all that, they hemmed and hawed and sighed and complained. If it had been any other foreign teacher they would have been in hot water. But instead I gave up. I let them study for the rest of class and used the time to try and figure out new ways to teach the lesson for my next class. But I was really upset at this.

In the last five minutes of this interminable class, I kneeled down to speak with one student, Jinny, who I've had for 2 semesters now. As she looked upset, I asked her what was wrong. She said she was tired because she didn't have her coffee that day. She told me she has at least 1 or 2 coffees a day. She's 14. She goes to bed at 2 and wakes up at 6:30 every day. She's 14 and she gets 4 and a half hours of sleep.

I'm just so frustrated. I'm upset because I don't know how people can let this go on, how people can appreciate this and truly believe that their children, the leaders of the future are living the best possible lifestyle, one that somehow will inevitably lead to some form of success and satisfaction (or perhaps early deaths and mid-life breakdowns). I want to change it so badly, I want to make a difference. But the system is just too big, too engrained within the world here. It's like drowning. I can't give too much of myself anymore. I have to repress my passion to make a change, because it just doesn't matter. And that breaks my heart.